This is part of my writing diary, where I try to unravel the conflicts and decisions I’m trying to master during the process of planning and writing a compelling and well-written memoir.

One of the biggest writing struggles I’ve encountered so far is choose a Universal Theme for my Memoir. It’s difficult because this is so pivotal to writing a compelling Memoir.

I don’t want my memoir to be a chronological diary of events, with no point to it, and therefore no reason for the readers to care.

I knew I needed a thread to tie all of the events together. I knew I needed a theme. But the the challenge? What would my universal theme be?

1st Draft of my Theme

Initially my theme was around meeting expectations .

Of course there’s the big picture of meeting society expectations to buy a house, getting married, having kids, working until you retire. I never wanted that. I was also trying to meet parental expectations. Wanting to become successful for my mum, to make her proud of me. What child doesn’t want that?

Both of these themes are universal. They are part of Maslow’s basic needs, so that means people would be able to connect with them.

Then laying on top of that, is me trying to meet MOH’s expectations. With him wanting to follow a certain path and me giving in to his life plan rather than forging ahead with my own plans and needs.

External and Internal Struggle

So for my plot:

My external struggle consisted of wanting to give up my successful corporate career to move to Turkey, and live an unconventional life.

My internal struggle was based on my role as a people pleaser, who gave away her decision rights to comply with society, parental, and spousal expectations.

Too Complex

Then I realized how complex that was and how multithreaded the plot would need to be. The story would be too complex if I tried to focus on meeting society expectations, and parental expectations, and spousal expectations. My arc would be my story of how I had to overcome all three, and that’s a huge arc to illustrate effectively.

2nd Draft of my Theme

I realized I had to simplify it and although there may be tinges of society and parental expectations within the story, the primary focus had to be around the relationship and goals of me and MOH.

Suddenly it seem like an easier story to tell. And I thought I’d discovered my theme. One I was happy with, one I could tell effectively.

Character Profile Template

So I started going through the process of Building a Character Profile on One Stop for Writers.

This tool allows you to enter your wound, your fear, your lie, your secrets, your personality, your behavior, your motivations, and your physical details to create robust character profiles.

Nomadic Childhood Wound

I chose a wound of a nomadic childhood. And then filled in personality traits and fears associated with that wound and all of them were very relevant e.g. fear of getting attached to something or someone, commitment, fear that responsibility that will tie me down, fear of never fitting in. These are all valid fears.

Actually going through this character profile, there’s a warning that sometimes it can make emotions bubble up while you explore these personality traits. It really did make me think about the impact of a nomadic childhood.

I know I’ve moved around a lot in the past and I just thought it was where my travel bug came from, but didn’t really contemplate the emotional impact (the wound) caused by this kind of childhood.

In the past I’ve found it easy to just abandon what I’ve created. Walk away. Start again. No big deal. Able to walk about from relationships, jobs, homes, countries, you name it I’ve done it. I knew that everything was temporary. I didn’t know when it was going to end, but I knew it was going to end eventually, so why bother creating attachments. And the fear of never fitting in, and therefore never feeling good enough is a theme I’ve packed up in a bag and taken with me on every move.

Character Blue Print

I spent a couple of hours going through this character profile and once it was all populated, I created my Change Arc Blueprint. But based on what I’d filled it, my motivations for the story, and my universal theme seemed too generic.

Yes I was hurt as a result of a nomadic childhood (my wound). I’m yearning for esteem and recognition (to be accepted) and I want to gain recognition for special qualities or abilities (I want to be different and not blend it – this is my emotional armor) and if I don’t change my behavior I’m going to regret it.

Now all of this is very relevant and very true but suddenly it seems like I veered off track. I still like the idea of choosing my nomadic childhood as my wound. This was one of the options offered by the Character tool on this website, and although you can put in your own wound, this one seemed the most relevant to me, as I’ve always pinned importance to it for giving me my travel bug, but now I’m looking at the impact of this wound from an internal perspective.

3rd Draft of my Theme

My eyes were starting to get tired so I closed my computer and lay down to sleep. I thought I could turn my brain off but it went into overdrive.

Then I had a eureka moment.

Although my wound it about my nomadic childhood, it’s not so much about the physical act of moving. It’s the powerlessness I had over these moves.

I lost count of the number of times that I restarted my life, left school friends, left houses, left neighborhoods, moved a completely different country, and started again.

I still remember the pain of giving all my toys away when I was 10 because I could only take a small box of personal items to Germany because we were driving there. I felt guilty for giving my teddies away—I can still picture floppy, and panda. They were member of my family, my close friends. My mum made them clothes and I played for hours in my room, creating imaginary lives for us.

So all of these emotions being drummed up to the surface are related to my nomadic childhood, but that’s not the universal truth.

I want to write about the universal truth that when I was a child I didn’t have the power over my lifestyle choice.

My Character Arc growth

And here’s how this universal truth plays into my character arc:

• At the beginning of my memoir, as an adult, I give MOH my power and give into what he wants and put my own needs aside because I don’t realize I have the power.
• But through my career growth at work, I’m pushed into a leadership role and then I become a mentor to younger employees and they validate me and make me realize but I that I have got the ability and the power to drive my own decisions.
• By the end of the story I have the confidence to make the decision to leave. I give an ultimatum to MOH. I’m willing to put it all on the line and leave him behind (this is the pattern from my childhood and adulthood before him – so it’s realistic to believe that I would do it again).

But it’s not a complete 360. Although I am reclaiming my power to make a decision about what I want, about leaving what I have to start anew. The irony is I’m still following the same behavior pattern of walking away from something. And I’m doing this because, why? I want to give something up before it gives up on me? I’m getting too attached to the life I’m living and I don’t want to make those kind of attachments. I don’t want to blend in.

As a child I felt like I never fit in, and I desperately wanted to, but my emotional armor I use to protect myself is that I have a strong motivational drive to be different and not to fit in.

I’m not sure if this is the right universal theme or motivation for my character. If I’m to succeed in my memoir I need to achieve my goal, and my fatal flaw must be cast aside to make room for a better approach to life. If I can’t change my actions to solve the story problem, my fatal flaw becomes a tragic flaw, and I fail. So does that mean my story fails? And I can’t write it like this?

To determine my fatal flaw, I need to identify my emotional shielding.

A fatal flaw will have a cognitive component (a negative attitude, belief, or bias) and a behavioral component (a flawed behavior or reaction based on this mental component). Choose one of each to show how your character must change mentally and behaviorally if they are to succeed. (Note: if you are writing a failed arc, a full change will not occur.)

One Stop for Writers

Here’s the fatal flaw I’ve picked out of the available list:

• COGNITIVE (a negative attitude, belief, or bias) – I doubt may ability to settle down, and prefer to just keep on the move.
• BEHAVIORAL (a flawed behavior or reaction based on this mental component) – I avoid making too many connections or ties.

Am I writing a failed arc?

A full change in my behavior doesn’t occur, so I briefly wondered if I was writing a failed arc memoir. But I don’t think I am.

I will be successful in claiming back my power to make the decision to move.

But where I fail is that I am still moving. I’m still leaving things behind. So I’m hoping that this doesn’t make it a failed arc, that in fact it’s an interesting and nuanced positive change arc. Leaving things still unresolved and there’s still lies I’m telling myself, and leaves me open to another memoir.

BOOM!

My head is exploding!

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